Just how badly do you want to see Beyoncé, Kendrick Lamar and Radiohead? 24 hours after the full line-up for Coachella 2017 was released, the festival was already sold out. However, If you really want to attend this year’s edition, there’s a way thanks to good old Craigslist! But we would advise you not to.
Gordon is a 56-year-old man from Los Angeles. He just left his job as Supervising Manager at Soup Plantation and recently divorced his wife of 11 years. He is now single, ready to mingle, and currently looking for the perfect candidate for “a once in a lifetime opportunity”: a free VIP Pass to Coachella, all expenses paid.
Of course there’s a catch, well a few actually. Gordon is looking for an “open-minded and opportunistic” 19-25 year-old female to join him for the second weekend of Coachella. Everything is included in the trip, from the ride in the Vintage RV, a room at the Tropics Motor Motel and even “snacks.”
Don’t get excited too fast though. You’ll first need to match his very unsettling criteria before applying for a spot.
“Must be ready to party and HAVE FUN!”
Before you judge us for making fun of a random middle aged guy, you’ll want to read Gordon’s 20 weirdly precise –and very rapey– conditions:
1. Must be female between the ages of 19 and 25
2. Must be comfortable traveling in a Recreational Vehicle (Vintage Shasta Chinook 3100 – pic attached).
3. Must have fashionable sense of style in the vein of typical coachella goer (i.e. cute indian headband, small ripped jean shorts, lots of colorful bracelets, etc).
4. Preferably have a playlist of various Coachella artists on phone we can listen to on ride over.
5. Must keep hands and feet moisturized at all times.
6. Must be open-minded and opportunistic.
7. Must be ok with periodic hand-holding (perhaps during certain sensual songs and while walking into the festival initially).
8. Fingernails and Toenails must be nicely painted and harmonious with general color scheme of outfit.
9. I will provide snacks such as beef jerky and peanut butter sandwiches but if you have additional snacks and/or drinks…BIG BONUS!
10. Being social is fine but no excessive fraternizing with other male festival-goers, and most definitely NO PUBLIC AFFECTION with other festival-goers (violation of this rule results in immediate removal of Tropic Motor Motel room privileges and maybe even return ride).
11. Periodic moments of extended eye contact.
12. Allow me to brush your hair once per day (not mandatory, but encouraged).
13. Must not be into drugs, pot ok.
14. Must take a minimum of four photos of us together and post them to your Instagram account.
15. Any personal grooming such as toenail clipping, eyebrow plucking or lipstick application must be done in my presence.
16. At least once during festival, you must allow me to carry you on my shoulders so you can see stage better (perfect time for Instagram photo!)
17. At least twice during the festival you must tell me in a playful manner that “I am naughty”.
18. At some point in time during the festival you must tell me that “you didn’t know how this would go, but you’re actually having a really good time”.
19. At least once during our stay after your shower, you must use the steam to write a cute message on the bathroom mirror for me to find later when I shower.
20. Must be ready to party and HAVE FUN!
We’re honestly not sure if the ad is a prank, a desperate cry for help, or a public display of a middle life crisis but it’s weird and frankly a bit scary. Craigslist has since been notified of it and has deleted the inappropriate listing. You can still view the full advert here.